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Just Two Guys Messing Around

(An Imaginary Compilation of sorts – Part 2) by S-WC

I should start by stating two things, firstly, The Duckworth-Lewis Method has ruined 20/20 cricket. There was no way that team was going to get 77 runs in 5 overs. Secondly, my iPod has what I call a ‘safe playlist’ this contains a number of tracks that I wouldn’t listen to normally but the entire playlist is there for background entertainment at parties and such like. Mrs S-WC quite often identifies tracks that she likes and they too go in the safe playlist. These two things will become relevant in a short while.

So we are travelling back from the beautiful city of Worcester to Devon, it is my turn to have a random act picked for me to design a compilation on them. Secretly I am quite worried about what act I will get – but obviously I pretend that I don’t care. Personally I hope I get something good, I really want it to be Teenage Fanclub, The Beta Band or The Libertines just because I think it would be fun to do anyone of these. I hope it’s not Primal Scream, Spiritualized or PJ Harvey because it will take me about 17 years to finally decide on the tracklist. Anyway the music has started….

First track is BlurTrimm Trabb from their album 13. Blur would be easy to do because I only like about ten of their songs. Next up is Dubstar and their wonderful cover of St Swithians Day. I miss Dubstar.  Years ago when Dubstar were quite popular I hung around with a chap called Chris, he and I had a massive argument over the singer in Dubstar, Sarah Blackwood, which revolved around whether or not she was born in Gateshead or Halifax (he said Gateshead, I said Halifax, seriously it literally went on like that for like an hour Gateshead, Halifax, Gateshead, Halifax then after about thirty minutes it was Gateshead you twat, Halifax you knobhead etc). He has not spoken to me since that argument. Chris if you are reading, she was born in Halifax you turdball. I really miss Dubstar. Erm where was I…

Next up was the Hives, and some song of theirs that I’d forgotten almost as soon as it was finished, I like the Hives it’s just that they have one truly memorable song and lots of good but identical songs. Track four was She Bangs The Drums by the Stone Roses, now they would be a difficult band to do an Imaginary Compilation for because basically everything after the first album is shocking. Then we get an album track by brilliant dub pioneers Renegade Soundwave and my phone rings. It’s work and it’s a matter of National Importance, or that is how they justify phoning me in the evening (it wasn’t but it did involve a Hornby Train set so it was fairly important). The phone call takes a while and Tim turns the stereo down but not off. Keep count I tell him. He nods.

Track Six fades into the memory, track seven is definitely Reverance by the Jesus and Mary Chain, and then I kind of switch off and have to actually listen to the phone call and do a lot of talking. Eventually I finish the call – just as the last ten seconds or so or Flowers and Football Tops by Glasvegas is on the stereo. What number are we on I ask the Badgerman.

He says (and this is important) ‘This is Number Ten’. Wow that was lucky I think, here comes track 11, I haven’t had time to get nervous or anything I can take this in my stride, the iPod is being nice today as well – so I am confident.

Ahh, shit, no, please, no, that’s a plinky plonky piano, that goes on and on and then about thirty seconds in my fears are confirmed.

Fuck.

Its Coldplay. Fucking Coldplay and the insufferable bollocks that is The Scientist – now dear reader – scroll back up – Mrs S-WC likes this song, solely for the reason that the video for it is filmed about three miles from our house, at a place called Haldon Moor. She refers to Chris Martin as ‘Whiney Balls’ but this song sits in the safe playlist and now this safe playlist has kicked me squarely in the balls. I sigh, then I sigh louder as Badgerman taps along to the song on the steering wheel, probably just to annoy me – he looks very smug. Why have you got Coldplay on your iPod he asks. For the same reason you have Maneater by Hall and Oates I say. Ah, the wife, he says.

I sit glumly, its fine, I’ll write up an imaginary compilation by Coldplay and then I’ll vanish into the distance, there is a placement coming up in St Helena that looks inviting – if I can keep this secret from future job interviews I might be able to show my face on the Internet in about twenty years time. But there by the pick of an iPod the day, the month, the year is ruined. I now have to listen to Coldplay, properly, and I will probably have to buy some of their bloody annoyingly dismal records to actually do it properly instead of just sending JC a recording of a buffalo grunting ten times over the same piano loop. Its been nice knowing you all.

Coldplay has finished and then the strands of New Dorp, New York by excellent dance guru SBTRKT comes on. Never has a song sounded so fantastic, never has a record been so welcomed. Tim looks at me and grins ‘Well that’s not so bad’ he says ‘Much easier than Asian Dub Foundation’ he says. Yeah. I reply. Hang on. What. Rewind. Say that again. He looks at me strangely, ‘The 11th track. SBTRKT’ he says. What. It was Coldplay wasn’t it. ‘No that was tenth I told you that’.

No you didn’t. You said Glasvegas was tenth. An argument ensues for about three minutes – after which we are silent largely because Howling Bells have come on the iPod. Then we laugh and double check by clicking the back button and obviously Tim is right. For those of you who really want to know, track six was an album track by much missed and under rated weirdoes Wu Lyf, track seven was indeed ‘Reverence’ by JAMC and track eight was Wasted Hours by Arcade Fire

Readers with children will know this feeling, the lovely feeling you get when you get back into bed after sleeping on a floor under a rug or blanket next to your childs bed because they are poorly or upset or just a bit scared, that wonderful indescribable comfy feeling of a duvet and soft mattress. That’s how I felt when I realised that I didn’t have to do a Coldplay compilation. To the point where the journey and the Coldplay thing became more important than actually writing about SBRKT.

SBTRKT are the work of the bemasked and supposedly anonymous chap Aaron Jerome and have released two albums, the first one (SBTRKT) is perhaps one of the most important dance releases of the last five years or so. I heartily recommend it to you. I’m not going to write about each song on this compilation because its insignificant right now. Just enjoy the fact that it is not Coldplay. Saying that Tim and I are off to the cricket again on August 17th – and we have agreed to do this again – so let’s rewrite that last sentence to enjoy the fact that it is not Coldplay for now.

In honour of the confusing Duckworth Lewis Thing I have compiled this in concept album style.

The Duckworth Side

New Dorp, New York (featuring Ezra Koenig) from ‘Wonder Where We Land’

Hold On (featuring Sampha) from ‘SBTRKT’

Pharaohs (featuring Roses Gabor) from ‘SBTRKT’

Look Away (featuring Caroline Polacheck) from ‘Wonder Where We Land’

Sanctuary (featuring Jessie Ware and Sampha) from ‘SBTRKT’

The Lewis Side

Wildfire (featuring Little Dragon) from ‘SBTRKT’

The Light (featuring Denai Moore) from ‘Wonder Where We Land’

Problem (solved) (featuring Jessie Ware) from ‘Wonder Where We Land’

Higher (featuring Raury) from ‘Wonder Where We Land’

Heatwave from ‘SBTRKT’

Take care out there.

S-WC

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